12 years

I have been trying to write a post about my mother for months, because she's been on my mind, but I just couldn't. Because there is so much I want to say, but I don't know how to say it.

I miss her. But that statement is so inadequate, I hate to even put it down. The truth is, I have begun to forget. Not her- I think of her quite often. But I have all but forgotten, or at least I have a hard time imagining, what it was like when she was here. In the early years, I could imagine what it would have been like to have her at my wedding, to have her at the birth of my kids, how much she wouldn't have liked us moving to Idaho but would have loved the mountains there.

But it is fading. And I hate it. A lot of my memories of her are snippets of our last interactions. Joe and I had gotten engaged the night before she went in for surgery, the night before they discovered the cancer had spread and she was dying.

I think of Joe asking my parents for their blessing after the anesthesia had worn off and we had gone to her hospital room.

Once she was at home and receiving hospice care, playing her music that we wanted to have at our wedding. I remember her closing her eyes to listen to All the Heavens and Canon in D.

Talking to her about how she wanted to make it for our wedding in June. She acknowledged that it would be a "long, cold winter" before June.  It was a long, cold winter, though I had to do it without her.

She had wanted to see me in the wedding dress I had chosen. It was in Olathe though, and she wasn't strong enough for the trip up there so I bought it and they mailed it to me. It arrived on a Friday. She was falling asleep when I went to try it on and she woke up briefly enough to appreciate it. I remember her hands as she touched the fabric.

She didn't wake up much after that. She died on a Tuesday night.

Standing on the back porch shortly after she died, hugging Joe, looking at the sky, wondering where she was.

Going to bed that night, after they had taken her body away, sleeping with my sisters and Joe on the floor. Feeling so empty. Poured out. Wondering how it would ever be okay, let alone good again, without her there.

Those early months of grief hurt so bad. And I thought that the can-hardly-breathe moments would never end. But they did.

I suppose this fading, this moving into acceptance is preferable. But I feel like I left something when I was able to move on. The can-hardly-breathe grief seemed more appropriate. But who can live like forever?

Over the last year, several people- people from Church who knew her, my aunts, my friends who knew her- have told me that I look like her. I like that I look like her. I look in the mirror and see a bit of her. I look at my hands and think about her's. I used to look at her hands in Church on Sunday. Sometimes my children look at my hands in Church. It's a circle, I suppose.

I can only hope that I can be as kind and loving of a person as she was as well.

Journal: August heat wave

Out my window: 76 at 9 in the morning.  After several weeks of very mild temperatures, it is hot again. Supposed to get into the 90s or mid-90s most days this week. Bleh.  Make up your mind, Summer, you can't have it both ways.

Clothing myself in: Black and grey tank tops, black capris. Mismatched ankle socks.

Around the house: Oh my. Well, we have been discussing the room situations since school was going to start soon. Prior to this, Issy and Adelle shared a room, Liam and Isaac shared a room and George had his own room. All on the main floor.  It was fine, except that they would tend to keep each other awake talking after bedtime. If we separated them (especially the boys) everyone would fall asleep much faster.

We also thought it would be good if Issy could stay up a little later reading in her room some evenings without keeping Adelle up. So we decided to rearrange things completely. We didn't want Issy to be alone in the basement, so we moved her into the playroom and Isaac into the guest bedroom.  We actually painted Issy's bedroom this weekend. Sky blue. It is really lovely.

So on the main level, we have Adelle in the boy's old room, which we painted pink for her.  She is thrilled about it. At least the idea of it ;)  Tonight will be her first night, so we will see how that goes. We let her and Issy stay in Issy's room last night. It was cute, as I was tucking the girls in, Issy said, "I am glad my first night in my new room I can share will Delle." We are moving Liam to the girl's old room because it is big enough for two. Eventually, George will share with him.  We will decorate the boy's rooms in a few weeks. We told them they can have sleepovers in the basement on Saturday nights since they like sharing rooms so much.

So yes, it was a big weekend around here.

The toddler: Mostly great. Articulate and fun. Unfortunately, however, his biting has gotten worse. Yes, I have *that* kid. It is super duper frustrating. Any mamas of biters here? Suggestions? Commiseration?

The kiddos: Lots of adjustment with the new sleeping arrangements.  I have anticipated Adelle having a hard time with it, but I had underestimated how much it would effect Liam.  Growing pains sometimes. But I think everyone will rest better this way. And they will still have sibling time on the weekends.

School starts in 8 days. Whoa.

In the kitchen: Tuna burgers, roasted chicken, chicken salad sandwiches, bean and cheese burritos.

Crafting: I seamed one side of the baby sweater. It was painstaking work. It prompted me to rewrite the pattern so you knit it from the top down, reserve some sleeve stitches and knit the front panels and the back in one piece. I am testing my rewrite currently and it is going well, as far as I can tell.

Bringing me joy: Posh pink and sky blue rooms for my girlies. How much my children really love each other and enjoy their sibling's company, the way George whispers I love you after I tuck him in and pretends to snore when I walk out of the room, working in the woods with my family.

Thinking about: How much life is going to change next week. I am nervous about just having Adelle and George around together. The dynamic between them can be really tricky. It might make things better (or perhaps worse?) to have the two of them together all day. It will be weird not to have an older child helper.

Pictures to share:

Journal: Joe's back!

Out my window: 64 and cloudy. Damp.  I can hear the sounds of the football coach yelling beyond my woods. Must almost be fall.

Clothing myself in: Jeans that I fit into again.  Woodstock T-shirt that I got in the men's section at JCPenney a long time ago. It is super soft and comfortable. I got bleach flecks on it while cleaning sometime though :(

Around the house: Joe got home from a 5 day business trip on Saturday at 4:30 a.m. and he was pretty beat, so we had a pretty chilled out, low-productivity weekend. We ate good food.  I organized my yarn. We watched movies.  It was good.

The toddler: He was in the dining room and I was in the reading nook and he heard me sneeze the other day and he said, "Bless you, Mama." He has been sleeping later again but not napping well. Back and forth, push and pull with him.  A step in the right direction for the most part though.

The kiddos: Pretty great.  They get along well most of the time, they are sweet, they are funny, they are kind, they are cute.  I couldn't really ask for better kids.

In the kitchen: Soups!  We had cauliflower and bacon soup last night (and I made blueberry cobbler). On the menu: Pork and sweet potato soup, chicken curry soup, chili, and Italian sausage soup. (And thank you, Oxford comma. I had originally written it without the comma after chili and no, we aren't have something called "chili and Italian sausage soup". Although that doesn't sound terrible.)

Crafting: I finished knitting the baby sweater to sell, but for some reason, the seaming was giving me fits when I tried to do it last night, so I decided to come back to it later. As mentioned above, I organized my yarn yesterday and revived some abandoned projects, so that is fun.

Bringing me joy: Joe's return. Seriously, having him return home after being gone for a while is always like magic.  He has traveled quite a bit (and just worked crazy long hours)  over the last few years for his jobs, so I am okay when he is gone. I mean, I miss him, but I can run our household fairly well alone. But it really is just so much better when he is here.

Thinking about: God's will for our family.

Pictures to share:

 Getting to play outside after dinner has been pretty awesome. The kids and dogs think so.

 Eating an apple one morning while we hung out on the loveseat together.

Coming out after bedtime one evening and she was so hungry and could she please, please, please have just one tortilla chip?

Journal: Fall in August?

Out my window: 59 and cool.  It isn't currently raining, but did earlier this morning. It has been pretty lovely weather lately, though still weirdly fallish.

Clothing myself in: Black shirt, grey hoody. Pink exercise pants.

Around the house: Since my last post, I finished organizing the storage room and cleaned the guest bedroom, which is good because my niece and three of her friends are staying here right now.  The boys are staying in the basement and the girls are staying in my girl's room, which I also super cleaned this weekend.  I I super cleaned the boy's room last week, although I did get to dresser or their shelves yet.  Hopefully this upcoming weekend once our guests leave.

The toddler: Well, he had a couple of weeks of sleeping past six (or at least staying quiet until then) and better poop, though I didn't want to mention it on my blog for fear of jinxing it (eyeroll at myself). That is over now.  It was nice while it lasted.

He talks so much! I mean, he has always talked well, but he is getting more and more articulate.  I was actually saying thank you to Joe for helping me find my phone, but George overheard and he said, "No problem, Mom. No problem, Mom."  He uses the term, "No fair" correctly (thanks, older kids) and when it is time to nurse, he asks for "boo and snunnel" which just slays me with cuteness.  He loves playing outside and is even getting along better with Adelle, thank goodness.
  
The kiddos: We are in the last leg of summer vacation- school starts in a month.  It is going to be very strange to have just my two littles here all day.  We still need to do all of our school shopping and all that fun stuff.

In the kitchen: Oh, some chili is the only thing I can think of off the top of my head. Those blueberries went fast- I think we ate most of them in plain or with yogurt. I did make a blueberry cobbler, which was yum.  With this cooler weather, Joe and I were discussing some of our fall soups yesterday.

Crafting: Finished the pink and brown sweater- whew! Working on a baby sweater to sell.

Bringing me joy: Chatting with my niece Sophia and her friends, cool fall-like weather, even if it isn't fall (if it could be fall all year round I wouldn't mind), the peace and quiet I get from my kids for hours after we go to the library, finally being able to be outside more consistently, my sweet puppy (when he isn't exasperating me), when people tell me that I look like my mother, and anticipation of our upcoming visit from Mom Marney.

Thinking about: Disillusionment.  I won't lie, it has been a tough summer.  Mosquitoes, poison ivy, Isaac getting Kawasaki, mosquitoes, not being able to go in the woods, Clementine getting Lyme disease, a few house issues, mosquitoes. And did I mention mosquitoes? For as wonderful as our first year here was, it has been a rough start to this one.  I am not sure what to make of it. A sign to toughen up? A sign that there are other things out there for us? As unpleasant as it has been, I am still sure that this is where we are supposed to be right now, and I suppose that is all that matters. As always, only time and an openness to God's will for us will tell what happens next.