Well, 2015 won't go down as a prolific year for blogging...

...not even a little bit.

Since I last posted in October, I:

• Went to Texas to train to be a Birth Boot Camp instructor
• Spent most of November cleaning up various bodily fluids as we battled the stomach flu as a family for three weeks
• Traveled to Kansas for Thanksgiving
• Spent the first part of December battling a nasty respiratory virus as a family

Texas was awesome. Well, Texas was Texas, but the training and people I met were awesome. I spent three days learning how to teach the curriculum, which is fantastic. The materials are beautiful, the program is thorough, the information is up-to-date. We also learned about the business and marketing end of it, which was very helpful. I am very grateful I chose to teach with Birth Boot Camp, both because of the amazing curriculum and their support for their instructors as well.

I'd like to say, I hit the ground running and got a class going right away, but alas, bullet point number two happened. I was beginning to get into marketing, making contacts, putting together a website and everything came to a grinding halt when we all got the stomach flu in November. And passed it around. Then passed it around again. Miserable. But we made it through.

We were able to travel to see our families for Thanksgiving which was as wonderful and hectic and full of visiting as it always is. I would love to say I documented this well with a camera, but no, I did not. It happened though, I promise.

The day after we got back, Liam and Delle got a fever/ cough. Then over the last week, everyone else has gotten it. Many tissues have been used. Lots of steamy baths. VapoRub. Temperatures taken. Tea drank.

I consider myself a pretty optimistic person, but there have been a couple (few?) times in the last week that I. Have. Lost. It. (Sorry again, receptionist at the kid's doctor's office who got the brunt of it.) My life can pretty much be summed up in this meme, which has popped into my head multiple times in the last week:

But alas, as a wife and parent, I can't just check out. Well, I could, but that'd be bad in the long run, so I don't. Blessedly, we have an amazing group of friends here, and having a support system has kept us from going completely nutty. But I just would really appreciate if life could ease up just a teensy.

Also, when I am not feeling sorry for myself, and I allow myself a bit of perspective, it is a helpful reminder that compared to others, our life has much abundance. So I will continue to list my blessings, offer up my suffering for others and try to keep the whining to a minimum.

Hope you, dear reader, are having a blessed Advent.

Moving and stuff

Colorado. We have a history.

We actually went to Colorado Springs on our honeymoon and stayed in this cute little bed and breakfast.  We walked through Garden of the Gods, went to Seven Falls, went up Pikes Peak.  

A couple years later, when Issy was 1 and I was pregnant with Isaac, we visited the Springs again. It was pretty rainy/ cloudy the first couple of days, so we drove up the highway into the mountains. We reached Woodland Park "The Town Above the Clouds" and indeed it was. We talked/ dreamed about living there someday.  Joe started looking for a job in Colorado. We visited Pikes Peak again when Issy was 3, Isaac was 1 and I was pregnant with Liam. It was our go-to place. 

As life would have it, when he was searching for a job in Colorado, he came upon a listing for a job in Jackson, WY.  We ended up on the other side of the mountain in Teton Valley for a couple of years and really fell in love with the area.  It was this amazing gem we didn't even know existed.  When we moved back to Wichita in 2009, I missed Teton Valley before we even left. We talked so much, especially in those early months about moving back there. We just couldn't get the mountains out of our heads.

We visited Colorado a couple of times over those years when we lived in Kansas. It was like an old friend- the kind where even when you've been away, you just pick back up where you left off.

A couple years later, he took a job here in Wisconsin and we expected that would be it for the moving.  It has been such a welcoming community to us- the kids have made friends, we have found our niche here. But the mountains were still calling. 

There was more flexibility with Joe's job and working remotely, so we set about finding a place in the mountains.  It was originally our intention to move back to Teton Valley.  But in the interest of not having more options,  we looked at houses in Colorado, Wyoming and Idaho in August. As it turned out, our first choice house ended up being in Colorado.  But our first choice house was a no back then.  Then our second and third choices houses also ended up being a no.

And finally, once this house went under a (seemingly) solid contract, we found out that the Colorado house that was a no in August was a yes right now. I am left amazed at the timing of things.  

That said, I would be lying to say that I have not had slight pangs of disappointment at not moving to Teton Valley.  But truly only slight.  When we got the contract on this house, and the door on the Teton Valley house had closed and there were no other good options there, I had somewhat resigned myself that we just weren't supposed to be there.  I am actually happy that we had the opportunity to be under contract on that house- it didn't happen because there was somewhere else that we need to be, not because we didn't try.  So even though I will miss living there, I am at peace with it.

With each day that passes, it is becoming more and more real to me- this is actually happening. The realization is both good and bad.  It makes me feel overwhelmed at all the things I have to do (I hate packing/ moving! but I don't mind decluttering.). It makes me feel excited at the things to come. It makes me nervous about something going awry in the process. It makes me sad that I am actually going to have to say good-bye (and the kids will have to say good-bye) to the people we have come to know and love here.  Also, what if I hate living there? I mean, I don't think I will, but you know. Cold feet. Also, part of the appeal of moving back to Teton Valley was that we didn't have to start from scratch.  Even though we have visited Colorado many times, this is a fresh start, community-wise.  But mountains again!  

So yes, I am all over the place.  One day at a time.  Everything will work out the way it should.

School and houses....

I have started or thought about starting a blog post several times. But sometimes my brain gets tired of thinking and processing so I just didn't.

So hi! I am alive. Things have changed completely since my last post. 

Let's see, some non-house things: we started our homeschooling year.  Issy is in 6th grade, Isaac is in 4th, Liam is in 2nd and Adelle is in Kindergarten.  We are enrolled in a virtual school through another school district and so far, so good, for the most part.  It is obviously an adjustment.  Getting used to the curriculum, getting used to each child's learning style, strengths and weaknesses.  Managing time well.  

The blessing of being enrolled in a virtual school is that there is accountability, the materials are provided and I don't have to worry about not "doing enough".  The con is that it is a fair amount of work to get through- it is very "school at home".  It is fine for the older three since they are used to it, though.  

I love having the kids together again. I love them being each other's.  Seeing them interact, playing together, even fight.  I miss my job, but I love being with them.  

Life is not perfect.  I get tired.  George sometimes makes school difficult, the older kids sometimes huff at me (I love the eye-rolls) when I asked them to play with him so I can work with someone else.  Schoolwork made one of my children cry in frustration yesterday.  Sometimes Critter eats the puzzle pieces that are left on the floor.  Markers get left out and George scribbles on couch cushions.  

But it's still pretty great, overall.  

Ah, the house situation.  So, pretty much immediately after pushing "publish" on my last blog post, we got a counteroffer on the Wyoming house that was unworkable and it was made clear that they weren't willing to meet us on a price that would work for us.  So no.

So we pursued a house in Idaho.  And very shortly after our counter-counteroffer was accepted, we found out that the contract on this house was going to fall through because the buyer was having loan issues.  Fortunately, there was another party interested.  They went to the bank to get a bridge loan and we found out last Monday that they would also be unable to buy our house because of some financial issues. And the first people that put in an offer (with a contingency) were still interested but their house hasn't sold yet.

So to lay it out- under contract on a house in Idaho.   Three interested parties but no one to actually buy this house.

To say that this was upsetting or stressful would be an understatement.  I also feel, because this is a situation that we willingly choose, I have no room to complain or feel badly.  I am trying to remind myself that we are here to do God's will, whatever we discern that to be.  And if that means that now is not the time, it isn't the time.  

We had a showing on Tuesday and are having an open house this Saturday.  If we don't get any offers from that, there is a fairly good likelihood that we will lose the contract on the Idaho house.  That is, obviously, disappointing.  But if it isn't that house now, we will find something else when this house does indeed sell.

When we put this house on the market, we expected it would take a while to sell.  It was surprising to get an offer (and then a second offer!) so quickly.  I think the hardest part has been going back and forth on expectations.  We thought it would take a while to sell, then we were supposed to be moving at the end of September, and now we are back to it taking a while.

So now, in order to keep our sanity, we are being hopeful but realistic in our expectations.  We will embrace and enjoy life here now and be present in the moment until we are off on a new adventure.

I am seriously considering...

Doing a photo journal of a real day in the life of the Marneys. Sound interesting? Or about as boring as watching paint dry?

Random photo to share (cause I like posts with pictures):

Fat Cheese 

March of 2003

*tap tap tap* "Is this thing still on?"

Since I have made my blog private, I am concerned that no one is reading any longer.  Because it is no longer public, it doesn't appear in feeds or updates and you have to be signed in when you come to the address. I have tried to figure out a way to make subscription by email available but have had no luck.

Stupid technology. Stupid internet.

Anyways, if you are still here, hi, and thanks for being patient with the changes.  I promise more cute kid updates. And maybe a bit of whining. And pictures.

Because I didn't do a journal this week, here is the truncated version:

Out my window: Dark. Since nightweaning, George has mostly started sleeping through the night, but still wants to wake up for the day in the five o'clock hour. Trying to figure out how to convince him not to do that.

If it was lighty, I would see that there is still a ton of snow on the ground.  I have officially given up on Spring.

The toddler: Words recently: sock, shoe, snow, cleanup, help!, hi, cuppy, meow, and a bunch other that  I can't recall right now.

The kiddos: Spring Break! Issy and Isaac just finished their third quarter. Only nine more weeks of school left.  Liam is going to be done with Mother of Divine Grace by mid- May. Joe and I have talked about sending Issy to Camp Totus Tuus this summer, which she is excited about. Her birthday was wonderful for her- will try to share pictures soon. Delle's days are full of dress up, playing with Liam (she particularly loves play dough), and she really loves to dance.  She is in a pretty easygoing stage (for a three-year-old) right now.

Bringing me joy: My sister, brother-in-law, four of their sons, my Dad and the exchange student are visiting this week, it has been really fun, if not a bit crazy :)  Issy's joy on her birthday, hanging out with Joe, Josh Groban's new album, the new Pope.

Thinking about: All I need to do to get ready for our trip to Kansas on Wednesday. I am so excited. Friends, family, getting to see grass again. So wonderful.

Cherishing the ones you love

The day that Kolbe died, I didn't pet him.  We were busy- I don't remember exactly with what now; I think I went to the store in the morning, we converted George's crib to a bed that afternoon and then went to a parish dinner in the evening.  I do remember sitting on the loveseat in the reading nook after I got home from the store and seeing him sitting next to the sandbox, rather gingerly, in the snow. The boys had gone into the woods, but he didn't seem to have the energy to follow them that day, so he sat in the snow, waiting for them.  He was sitting so still that I asked Joe if he thought Kolbe was ok.  A short time later, we saw him get up, so my worries were put to rest.  By the time he came inside with the boys I was on to another something to keep me busy, so I didn't really notice him again.  The last time I took note of him was when he was sitting in the snow, listening for our boys.

When I found him that evening, I immediately had a pang of guilt. When was the last time I had pet him? Talked to him? The night before? I had grown so used to having him around- to letting him out to potty, to getting him food and water, to him just being just part of life around here, that even though I cared for him, I didn't always notice him as a living, breathing part of our family.

In the nights that have followed, when my mind wonders to him and this fact, it has forced me to assess the rest of my family.  I care for them, certainly. I cook meals, I wash laundry, I clean house, I get snacks, I wipe tushies, I help with homework, I nurse, I clothe. But in all that caring, I often forget about the day to day noticing.  And even though my kids are young and Joe and I are certainly not old, none of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. Without being morbid, I forced myself to think of what it would be like if I lost one of them, with no notice. And how I would feel about my behavior towards them in those last days, weeks, months. I love them, I care for them but I would want them to know, without a doubt, that I cherish them. Truly.  Joe, Isabelle, Isaac, Liam, Adelle and George are the six greatest gifts that God has given me and nothing on Earth is more important.

I would like to say that my behavior since this revelation has been without reproach. But I am a work in progress.  I am still selfish, distracted and snappy at times. I am working on it.  Being distracted is what I view as one of my bigger obstacles.  I had actually decided to give up my Kindle for Lent even before all of this. It was too tempting- the internet with all of it's mindless distraction, just a few feet away at all times. It was almost always more exciting than just sitting and drinking coffee, or just doing homework or just playing cars.

I don't want my children or husband to think back on me, on our time together, to remember how I looked with my face glowing in the light of a screen. Mindless distraction isn't worth it.  I want them to know that I am all in- I love them, I seek to know them better, I care for them and that I cherish them.

Skiing!

Hi all :)

Joe has been off work since the 22nd, so we have been decking the halls, wrapping presents, making bierocks, playing games, watching movies, playing in the snow, going on a date and generally just enjoying the break.  I might update on some of those things later, but Joe has already documented a bit of that on his blog, Wonderfield, so you can mosey on over there if you would like.

So. Waaaay back for Christmas of 2008, Mom and Dad Marney bought me some cross country skis.  I found my happy place. Alta, Wyoming. Teton Canyon.  It was a great way to work out, have some peaceful time, enjoy winter.  The next winter, we found ourselves back in Kansas, which is decidedly not cross-country skiing friendly, since skiing requires, you know, snow.  So they collected dust for the next three winters.

See the dust?

I took them for a spin out at the wildlife refuge and it was just as great as I remembered.

Snow makes winter good.

Follow up thoughts about this day is what I make of it

It is funny, because (of course) the days following this post have been more challenging. George is uncomfortable in some capacity (teeth? ears?) and has been sleeping poorly, so it adds sleep deprivation to dealing with a grumpy baby. And dealing with challenging situations when I have not had enough sleep is my waterloo.  I haven't done too poorly, I suppose, but that is mainly because Joe was around this weekend to help. We will see how this week goes.

I am fairly certain that I can't do it under my own power. Under normal circumstances, maybe. Like, one whiny kid at a time, I have had a perfect night's sleep? Sure, I think I can keep a positive attitude.  Poor sleep, grumpy baby, whiny toddler, all the challenging things piled on at once? I don't know. Perhaps God would like me to rely on him more in this endeavor? How? More prayer? Much to muddle through...

Also in the comments section of the last post, Mary Elizabeth brought up a good point. She said, (I hope you don't mind me quoting you, I can take it down if you wish) "On the same lines, it kills me that the more I do nice things for them - go out of my way to plan something extra special, or give them a special treat - are they GRATEFUL!?!? Maybe they say thank you, I will give you that, but OFTEN they turn into little terrors, DEMANDING more!! It makes me want to be strict and "no fun" all the time, just so they behave better and don't whine! (Cause most of the time, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit!" :))"

Yes, we have had that scenario play out in this house. The weekend before Joe left for Wisconsin while we were staying in Kansas, we decided to have a fun, family night. Pizza for dinner, movie night, special treat. And a child (who shall remain nameless) had the nerve to throw a fit that he wanted to do MORE! FUN! THINGS! when the night had come to a close and it was time to go to bed.  I admit, I was seriously irritated. I mean, come on, Kid, what more do you want?

It makes me think about how many times I have been this way with God. He has given me more than I deserve (much, much more. And that is still an understatement.) and still I ask for more.  Actually, many of the unsavory behaviors my children exhibit (lack of self-discipline, selfishness, unkindness) are just reflections of me. I ask them to be patient, to be kind and feel exasperated with them when they are not. But I am sometimes unkind and often impatient. Sooo... yeah. I apparently need to hold myself to the same standards I hold them. If I do, perhaps I would find that they naturally follow?

This day is what I make of it

I have five small children. Or semi- small, at least; a nine, seven, five, and two-year-old and a seven-month-old.  And this morning, I had an epiphany in the shower. I do my best thinking in the shower. I am alone-ish and it is mostly quiet (Delle often showers with me, but usually plays at my feet with her tea cups and a few little plastic dollies. I know where she is, it keeps her out of trouble, I can take my time. Win, win, win.)

Sorry, I digress. I realized that all this time, I have been judging whether my days were going well based on how cheerful the kids were, how compliant, whether they were bickering. And if they were crabby, defiant or antagonistic with each other, it could ruin my whole day. The baby was crabby and not napping? Bad day. The toddler whined about you putting the purple shoes on her instead of the black ones? Bad day. I had to tell the kids to use their indoor voices 7 or 8 times in a 30 minute time period? Bad day.

I have been approaching it all wrong. All wrong. They are kids. There are five of them. That seriously ups the chance that someone is going to be unpleasant about something at least a little bit every day.

Maybe this is simple and everyone else has figured it out already, but I realized that the only thing I can control is my reaction. Defiant children, whiny toddlers and non-napping babies don't automatically mean I am having a bad day. Challenging, perhaps, but not bad. I can still be cheerful in the face of whininess, I can still be patient with my non-napper, positive with my defiant ones.

I will not let my children's behavior dictate my own.

I am not saying I won't have bad days. They happen. But it feels freeing to know that I can turn our challenging days around. I am, after all, the mother :)

Getting used to life here

It was actually a pretty good, full, we are going this alone again, week at our house last week. We started our lessons again, unpacked some boxes, put up some kid's decorations, got the rest of our stuff delivered. It was weirdly normal. Maybe since we have moved so much in the last few years, unpacking and settling in is just part of our lives on a semi-regular basis?

 I really like this house, very much. I haven't taken a lot of indoor pictures yet because there are still quite a few boxes laying around, but soon.  The bedrooms are really generously sized, which is nice since we are putting multiple kiddos in them.  It is nice to be able to put a bed, their clothes and even a few toys in a room without it looking like we really crammed it all in.

The one downside of this house is that the kitchen is kind of small. At least compared with the kitchens I have had recently.  There isn't a pantry and not quite enough cabinet space. But we have been brainstorming ways to put in a pantry, so that will help a ton. And paint! Oh my gosh, I am so excited about the paint. I have found so many wonderful ideas on pinterest (thanks, pinterest!) and I think I want to paint the cabinets white and the walls a robin egg blue. So light and beautiful and cheerful. It has been such a long time since I have gotten to decorate a house the way I want.

The kids have been adjusting to life here, too.  Pretty well, I think. I have started potty training Adelle in full force, which has been, um... interesting?  Not terrible, all things considered, but met with some successes. And some messes. She doesn't seem to much like the idea of pooping in the toilet, which is somewhat unfortunate. Once I figure out what will motivate her to do so, I think things will smooth out. She actually woke up dry this morning, which I don't expect her to do again, but was a nice surprise.

I will try to have pictures soon :)

That in between time

As I was preparing to write today's post, it made me think back to this one that I wrote when we were preparing to move the first time.  That seems like forever ago.  But Joe left yesterday to go start work in Wisconsin and I find myself in a similar situation- me and my (now five) littles are hanging out here, packing up our things.  I should correct myself. They are not packing. They are attempting to behave themselves so I can pack. And actually, I am not packing, I am paralyzed into inactivity by the amount of work I need to do.  When Joe was here, he would start packing a box and I would be forced to a) pack a box myself or b) feel bad that I wasn't doing my part (I should note- he didn't make me feel bad. It was self imposed guilt.) Now all I have to go on is internal motivation. This is not good news, considering I am a classic procrastinator. So instead, I'll share some pictures.  And then see if I can muster the internal fortitude to just pack a box.

In other news, since we are moving, we got family pictures taken with my family and with Joe's.  I have mine to share- Joe has his family's. I will have to see if I can get them from him sometime. These are my people:

It is times like this (and many others) that I wish my mother were alive. I think this picture would make her very happy.  If I imagine real hard, I can picture her in that space beside my Dad where she should be. Is that weird? On occasion I allow myself to fantasize about this alternate reality where she is still alive and I call her to chat every other day (um, or every day maybe) and she loves my little family as much as Joe's mom does. And sometimes we disagree and she thinks I am a little nutty for breastfeeding past a year old and having a baby at home and cloth diapering but she loves me anyways.

Sigh. Sorry for that digression. Well, it isn't looking good for packing a box tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be my day.

Growing pains

I keep starting blog posts, getting overwhelmed at everything that is bouncing around in my head and then abandoning them.

There are two main things that I keep going back and forth between:
I am having a hard time letting go of the life we left when we came back to Kansas.

In that life, I was slowly but surely building a support system, making friends. I lived in a house that I loved, that was comfortable and felt like home. The view out my window was always breathtaking. My body felt good there. My soul felt good there- how can such beauty not inspire me to draw closer to my Creator?  I missed my family, I missed my friends but they never really seemed that far away. Distance doesn't really matter to Love.

It is silly. I understand I can't live in the past. That was then. And to take back the last two years would be to take back some awesome things. Namely, the opportunity to be with so many of the people that we love and that love us dearly.  And my sweet little Georgie and the care that was provided to me that allowed me to bring him into this world while both of us remained healthy and whole.

But this is the last thing I saw when I stepped on that plane to leave.

And I have a hard time getting it out of my head.

Then the what ifs and the coulda, shoulda, wouldas start to flow. And I just want to be back there again.

The second thing that is often on my mind is just what comes next?  I know that another huge life change is likely in the works. Very possibly a move. But there are many more questions than there are answers- where, when, how? I feel oddly at peace with it until I think about how hard it is going to be. The practical aspects- packing, moving. Adjusting. Meeting new people. Missing playdays at my sister's house and the kids missing afternoons with Grammie. Missing watching my nieces and nephews grow.  Really, just the missing in general. I am not sure I am ready to do it all again.

But we go where life takes us.  Sometimes when my children have to do things they don't want to do I tell them, "Well, you have to do it, so you can either do it the nice way or the hard way but it will be easier if you do it the nice way".  I should tell myself this when I want to start whining.

Mostly, I feel very worn and ready to get to "normal". The last 5 years especially have been so exhausting. Since 2007, we have lived in two states, in five houses,  had two pregnancies and added two babies.  I should say that we are definitely a stronger family for it, but it is tiring nonetheless. I am ready to settle. I am ready for mundane. Routine. Rhythm.

That is my hope- that wherever we go we can settle in, build community and really call it home.

A quick list of likes and dislikes

• Like: flannel sheets for cold nights. Our room is really drafty, so it's super snuggly.
• Dislike: potty training. Not a fan. I really shouldn't complain because the boys were ridiculously easy to potty train- they initiated it shortly after they turned two, did it in a matter of days and rarely had accidents. Suffice it to say, it has not been going that smoothly with Adelle.
• Like: baking. I hadn't felt much like baking until just recently. That makes me happy. Makes the kids happy.
• Dislike: large piles of laundry for folding and putting away. I really don't mind actually doing the laundry, I am just not great about then getting it where it needs to go.
• Like: soft, red yarn. Perfect for a Christmas sweater. We shall see if I can actually complete it.
• Dislike: stuffy noses for my two youngest. Tis the season :P
• Like: huge grins from my 2 month old. It makes his eyes wrinkle and his chubby little cheeks puff out over his double chin. I am charmed.
• Dislike: waking the baby up when he is sleeping to take him somewhere. It takes effort to get him to sleep, it seems wrong to ever wake him up.
• Like: homeschooling. I love watching them learn, and the time it allows us to spend together.
• Like: my return to craftiness. It makes me sad when I don't have the energy to craft, but it I feel like it isn't something that can (or should be) forced. I like having projects lined up.
• Dislike: postpartum hair loss. I built a person, I should be able to keep the nice hair. At least till he weans.
• Like: fire in fireplace.
• Dislike: smoke from building fire in fireplace. Whoops. Apparently I need to get on the roof and make sure the chimney isn't blocked. And I feel a little dumb for that not occurring to me in the first place.
• Like: Snuggles from my toddler. She has liked me more since I had the baby. That makes me very happy.
• Dislike: Not enough time. Which now makes me think of this post. There is just more that I want to do than hours in the day.

Can it just stay fall forever?

As I sit here on this early November morning, awaiting a cold front to take my beautiful 70 degree days away, I am wondering where the last couple of months went. Really? Where did they go?

George turned 8 weeks old yesterday. It seems like not that long (and yet forever) ago that I was hugely pregnant, hot, and waiting for labor to start. And then it did and he came and now it seems like he has always been a part of our family. He is pretty easygoing as long as the mommy/food source isn't too far away. I can't really say that he sleeps any better at night. But perhaps I have adjusted my expectations.

We have just entered our 5th week of school and are still in that beginning of school honeymoon phase. I love it. Adelle has been taking awesome naps since George was born, he usually has a good stretch that he sleeps in the afternoon and we have been free to dig into literature, history, math and all the good stuff. The weather has been lovely and we have been enjoying our nature study. I love this neighborhood- it is so full of beauty and trees and life. Now if only it were nestled next to some mountains...

And yet, I feel winter looming. Because I know that is what comes after fall. The beautiful leaves will fall. The trees will be bare and the air will turn blustery cold. I will want to snuggle in and not leave the house. Which will be fine in December when we have advent and the anticipation of Christmas and a tree of lights and evergreen branches.

Oh January. And February. I steel myself against you every year. Yet every year, you get me. The branches will remain bear, Christmas will be over, it will still be grey and cold. The kids will get surly with our school routine and we will all long for playing outside and sun and fresh, warm days. Sigh.

I am trying not to borrow trouble, really I am not. Maybe this will be the year that winter doesn't get me.

Restless Womb Baby

I have been up for about an hour with a very restless baby George. He is funny- I have periods of pretty regular movement (when it is about time to get up in the morning, after lunch, evening time, usually a little when I am trying to fall asleep) but he was just really, really wild last night. Every time I got up to go to the bathroom, he would be kicking up a storm. I managed to fall back into a restless sleep most of the times, but at a quarter till five, he got me. He apparently doesn't like it when I try to curl into a ball around him because he kept kicking my ribs pretty hard whenever I would try. I wonder if he is going to be longer than the others were? All the other babies were in the 19 inch range and I don't recall having this problem. I guess we will see.

As I was laying in bed, trying to fall back asleep, I started to think (uh-oh) about the next couple of months. I'll be 30 weeks in couple of days and I am simultaneously thinking "ten more weeks?! how am I going to be able to grow this already cramped baby in there for ten more weeks?" and "ten more weeks?! i have way more things to do in the next ten weeks than the energy to do them" And that all, of course, hinges on him actually getting to stay in until his due date. In reality, it could be another 7 or 8 weeks before he comes, which makes me a little less panicky about the former. And more panicky about the latter.

My sister passed me down the overwhelming amount of baby boy hand me downs this week. Wow. He could probably wear a different outfit everyday the first six months and not have to repeat. The issue is that currently, I don't actually have a place to put his things. I am going to set up a crib (which I need to get from my sister-in-law) in the boy's room (they are getting a bunk bed from my *other* sister) so he can nap in there, but he will sleep in our room at night. Now, where to put his clothes and diapers? I don't think they will fit in the boy's room. The house has enough space, but they might end up someplace weird, like the learning room. I think I might be overthinking this too much.

I still need to organize/rotate out/go through all the other kid's winter stuff from last year *eye roll* Yes, I realize it is July. I was trying to put it off until after vacation because I knew we would need warm stuff for CO. We have been back for over a week now. And their full suitcases of clean winter things that need to be put away are still in the living room. I think by the time I get it all figured out, it might be time to get them out again :P

And then, of course, there is schooling. We have been working this summer, though not as much as I would like. Rarely as much as I would like. Honestly, that is my number one stress of homeschooling is that I worry about not getting enough done. Or not doing it in an organized enough manner. And, and, and.... The kids seem to be doing well, the older two have been concentrating on their phonics, I have touched a little on 100 Easy Lessons with Liam, we have finally broken out our math games and we are finishing up the Alphabet Path, though at an accelerated pace.

So there you go. No wonder I couldn't get back to sleep this morning, I had all that rattling around in my head :p It is about 6:20 now. The kids will start getting up and I will start to feel like I am ready to go back to sleep and finish up the night. Ha! Might as well make my morning cup of coffee now :)

Love you and honor you...

9 years ago I stood in front of my family and friends and said, "I, Erin, take you, Joseph, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."

I have probably kept that promise better some days than others....

I am human, though, so I keep on trying, understanding that my loving and honoring will always be flawed, but honest.

We were so young. I appreciate that more now, with the hindsight that only a few years could give.

And yet, never once in the last nine years, have I doubted that getting married young was the right decision. When you know.... you know.

And the last nine years have been fruitful....

I am grateful for the opportunity to grow up with my very best friend and raise babies with him.

Happy anniversary, my J.

Searching for simplicity...

I am beginning to realize that the more children we have, the more elusive simplicity is going to be. Joe has been crazy busy with work, and while it is *technically* possible for me to take all four children to the grocery store with me, the idea of that makes my head want to explode, so we have to plan around when he will actually be home for me to do it child-free. This is sometimes a bit of a task.

Oh, illness. I thought when we all got the stomach flu that we would be fine for a while. Alas, no. Last week, as I said, Adelle woke up with an earache. And Issy woke up Friday morning with a fever. And Isaac got a fever on Saturday. And I am wondering what I am doing wrong and when this ridiculous chain one illness on top of another is going to end. It has been something or other since January and I am tired. of. it.

Adelle being ill makes cleaning the house in peace nearly impossible. She wants to be snuggled and loved or at least demands that you not give any other activity your undivided attention. Which would be fine if Joe was here to cater to the little dictator's toddler's needs and wants while I kept the dishes and laundry up, but that just hasn't been feasible. (On a side note, thank God for him. I don't know how I would do this life without him. I hope to get him back someday soon.)

There were good times this week, too, however. Blessedly, Issy was better in time for her First Communion, which was a beautiful and special day. (Joe has the memory card with most of the pictures, but I will try to share them soon.) Grammie and Grandpa Marney hosted her party, which was such a blessing. I married into a great family :)

So suppose I am going to have to let go of the idea that anything- grocery shopping, house cleaning, heck- life, is going to be simple anymore. 7 people (including 5 people under the age of 9)≠ simple. But our life is very, very full. And it forces me to be creative :)

Thank you, Spring.

I am not a winter person. I had this (what should have been a somewhat obvious) revelation last week. Joe pointed out that I was happier and more productive on the nice, springy days we have been having. And looking back, yes, he is correct.

I love Spring. I love fresh air. I love being able to open the windows and feel the breeze blow through the house while I make it beautiful and clean. I love being able to take the kids places without having to bundle them up. Cool Spring evenings bring back memories of falling in Love with a young man who I realized would make a really awesome husband and father and who, for reasons that are sometimes beyond me, thought that I was pretty great, too.

Then comes summer. Summer is ok. Not as bad as winter, but it gets oppressively hot and humid here and it makes me not want to leave the house unless we are destined for some sort of body of water. Which makes my children happy. This will be the third summer in my life in which I will be largely pregnant and that is.... good times. Membership to the YMCA= lots of time at the pool this summer. Although I am not sure what swimsuit will fit over an 8 month pregnant belly?

Fall is pretty lovely though. Especially now that we have trees. Reprieve from the oppressive heat. Mild days where my babies can play outside before the long cold of winter. Piles of colorful leaves, nature walks, leaving acorns for our backyard squirrels to gather.

Winter. Oh, winter. I suppose without winter I would not appreciate spring as much, but man. I try to steel myself against it every year and yet every year, it gets me. January. And February. I think maybe I was meant to hibernate. Oddly, even though winter was really long in Idaho, I didn't mind it as much. At least the snow was pretty and I could go skiing. And the kids liked to play in the snow. It would have been perfect if the snow had finished melting by mid- March instead of the end of April :P

But here I am for now. So I will try to figure out a way to make this work. And I will be grateful for Spring.

Not quite ready to break out the choir yet...

...but pretty close. A couple of posts down I mentioned Adelle was having some sleeping issues. She was sleeping pretty well through the summer and then Sept-Dec she got about a bazillion teeth at once and that went down the drain. She was waking up every 1 and a half to three hours and when I got pregnant, that just wasn't working anymore. Her teething was nearing an end, so we decided to nightwean her. This proved more difficult than I had anticipated. She was still waking up every 1 and a half to 3 hours, but now she wouldn't just nurse and go back to sleep.

So she began sleeping with us. And as I have mentioned before, I have a fickle relationship with co-sleeping I like the thought of it, but in reality, I am a pretty light sleeper and have a hard time falling back sleep. Her last two eye teeth came through a couple of weeks ago so we decided it was time to try something different. Up to this point, Issy had been sleeping in a twin, the boys in a queen and Adelle was starting out in the crib and then coming into our bed. So we bought another twin, the boys have their own beds now. We moved the queen into the girl's room. Adelle starts out in the crib and then moves to the queen with Issy. We figured either she would like sleeping with Issy or Joe and I could take turns sleeping on the queen with her.

She likes sleeping with Issy!

Last night was Night Four and so far, so good! Issy said she asked for her cup a couple of times but that they both went back to sleep quickly. And Issy loves sharing a bed with her- she keeps asking me if Adelle can start out in her bed. The three mornings prior she had woken up for a 5ish o'clock nursing, but this morning, it is almost seven and not a peep :) (Now, I, on the other hand, woke up at at five anticipating her and couldn't fall back asleep. Pavlov's dogs and all that :P)

So yes, I hope that we keep having continued success with this. This makes me feel much less anxious about having another baby. This is probably more information than you needed to know about our sleeping habits, but I am was too excited not to share :D

Wow. Life is a wild ride.

Recent pic of Adelle- I was playing with Joe's camera

I am having a hard time starting this. Life has taken a very unexpected turn in the last couple of months. The holidays were good- for Christmas, we hosted Joe's family one day and my family the next. We spent NYE together as a family- went out to eat, had Family Movie Night and tucked the littles in bed well before midnight.

I made a rather ambitious plan at the beginning of January to get a bunch of my AAMI assignments done before the end of February. Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans...

On the 7th, I found out I was pregnant with our fifth baby. Wow. Five. I spent most of January and February feeling rather nauseated and exhausted (that first trimester fatigue is powerful stuff- I had remembered it intellectually, but it was even more compelling than I remembered) and trying to integrate the idea of another baby. I am sure it'll all work out, but most days I am not sure how.

The kids are extremely excited about the baby, whose womb name is "Poppy". I had my first doctor's appointment last week. Heartbeat in the 160s, my fundus is where it belongs. Weirdly, I have thought I felt the baby move a couple or three times in the last week, but it would be pretty early (I am twelve weeks).

Unfortunately, I got my bloodwork back yesterday and it appears that now we are not only dealing anti-kell but also anti- little c. I am still in the "self-pity, why me?" stage, so you'll have to excuse me. Why? Why do other women get to have low-risk, get pregnant, pop-em-out pregnancies and mine are such ordeals? Why doesn't my body like my husband's babies? It is just frustrating. I am sure there is some life lesson in here about learning to trust, surrender and blah blah blah. I am not there yet. I am still holding out for a false positive for the anti-little c. I go to the perinatologist on the 28th, so we'll see. Sigh.

Other than those life changing events, life is okay ;) Now that first- trimester haze is waning, we are getting back into more exciting school things (we were strictly reading, writing, arithmetic for a few weeks there- just the basics). Issy and Isaac are doing great- Issy is reading like a little maniac and I can hardly keep up with her! Isaac, too.

Liam has been, erm, challenging at times. Issy and Isaac went through a stage at around 4 1/2 too, so it wasn't entirely unexpected, but given his personality, his manifests a little different. Rage, specifically. Which I find a little hard to deal with at times. There are things that help, but I am hoping the whole thing just passes soon. He is such a sweet, enthusiastic little boy when he isn't being so defiant.

Oh, Adelle. She is amazing. She talks so much, I love it. She says, "Mama, I wud joo" when I put her to bed at night. She is also completely exhausting. We have been going through some sleep issues with her lately and it is driving me crazy. I despair that it won't get better before Poppy arrives, though I am sure it will.

So mostly the word that defines life now is "overwhelming". Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way, sometimes in a neutral way. At least life is never dull, right?