A year ago today, I gave birth to my sweet baby girl. I never shared her birth story here, so I wanted to now, along with some pictures. There are no pictures of the actual birth, but there are some nursing photos. I am so blessed to have had the chance to give her such a peaceful beginning. Happy birthday, my precious baby Adelle!
Honestly, this is difficult for me to start because there is so much story before Adelle's birth. The birth stories of Isabelle, Isaac and Liam are what make her birth story more triumphant, more healing, more beautiful. And the reverse is true as well- her birth made me thankful for my other children's births. I feel like I can finally lay to rest the doubts I had, the inadequacies I imagined, and the guilt I felt for not being able to do it "right". Each one of my four children has entered this world the way they needed to come. Their births have made me the woman, the mother, I am now. It is my hope that having such varied experiences will someday make me a more understanding and compassionate midwife than I could have been otherwise.
And so it begins with Issy. I took Bradley classes and prepared for natural childbirth with her because I was afraid of needles and wanted to avoid an epidural. I found out at 36 weeks that the little part that had been in my fundus for several weeks was not a bottom, but a head. And try as we might to get her to turn, she had decided that she was more comfortable with her noggin up and her bottom down. I didn't know of any doctors that assisted breech births, so she was born by cesarean section. Her birth was straightforward with no complications, though still difficult. I reacted to the anesthesia and it was really hard to nurse her in the hours after birth. I was elated though, to have a healthy little daughter in my arms. I knew that I was an excellent candidate for a vbac and that I wouldn't need surgery to have the next baby.
And so we got pregnant with Isaac. I started to talk to a homebirth midwife. At the end of the first trimester, I went to see the doctor that did backup for her- things went just fine, had a blood draw taken. This is where the story starts to get complicated. I found out a few days later that I was carrying the anti-kell antibody. Basically, if my baby was positive for the kell antigen, the antibody could kill the baby's red blood cells and cause him/her to become anemic. The baby might need to have in utereo blood transfusions or be born prematurely. If the baby was too severely affected too early, he or she could die.
So I went for weekly monitoring. He ended up being a carrier of the antigen, but he looked great. And so I held out hope that I would get to vbac in the hospital. We made it to 40 weeks with a lot of prodromal labor in the interim. On my due date, I went in for my weekly sono and he had very little fluid left. I didn't want to have a pitocin induction, so we decided on a repeat cesarean. In the weeks and months that would follow, I really tortured myself about my decision- should I have drank more? had another sono? tried an induction? I felt like I had let us down. I attended a doula training when he was a year old and I came to terms with his birth as best I could. I made the decision that seemed most reasonable given the support and choices I had at the time.
When I got pregnant with Liam, I knew I wanted try for a vba2c if I could and if I had to, I would make peace with another c-section. He also ended up being positive for the antigen and at his 37 week appointment, it looked like it might be starting to affect him. So we decided to induce by foley catheter. I didn't want pitocin since I was a vba2c and it is shown to be riskier. So I did manual nipple stimulation and put myself into labor. It was long. It was hard mentally and physically. I got an epidural about 38 hours into it. But I was able to rest and I pushed Liam out about three hours later. It was a very good moment, to have him placed on me, fresh from the womb. The first eyes he looked into were mine.
Shortly after, we moved out of state, away from all our family and friends. We moved away from the familiar care providers that I had when I was pregnant with the boys. The area we moved to is quite a lot smaller than where we were living, so we were farther away from the kind of doctors that could handle a sensitized pregnancy. We waited for a while to get pregnant- time to settle in, time for the other kids to get older, time to get things in order in case the pregnancy was complicated.
Adelle's Story:
In October of 2008, I found out I was pregnant with our fourth baby. I was grateful, and determined to not stress out about the pregnancy. Whatever was going to happen would happen and being worried about it wasn't going to change things. The first trimester and start of the second trimester had me feeling quite ill. This pregnancy was quite similar to my pregnancy with Issy- the nausea was the same, the acne was the same, the tiredness. Because of this, Joe started calling the baby "she"- he was convinced that we were having another daughter. When I would try to start a conversation about boy's names, he would tell me we didn't really need to talk about it because it was going to be a girl.
We got things squared away with midwives and doctors. At the end of January, we found out that we were indeed having a girl. In February, I started going to Idaho Falls to get the MCA dopplers and see the perinatologist. She wasn't in a good position on the first visit, so the amnio to determine whether she had the kell antigen had to wait until the second visit. The third visit, we got the results of the amnio that we had been hoping for throughout three pregnancies- this baby was negative for the antigen. No potential for my blood to attack hers. No more amnios, no more monitoring, no induction, no NICU. She could just grow in peace and quiet.
And she did. I didn't start showing much until my last trimester and then she got bigger all of a sudden. She was growing great, I was feeling good. We were planning a homebirth for her. It was finally the (mostly!) stress free pregnancy that I hadn't been able to have since I found out Issy was breech. It was a peaceful and liberating time. Whenever worry or doubt would creep in, she would kick me and I would be reassured that everything was as it was supposed to be.
As I approached full term, I wondered when things would start. Not having really gone into labor naturally on my own before, I didn't really know what to expect. I would feel very impatient for a few days at a time, reading into every practice contraction and generally just driving myself crazy with the "Is this it?" And then I would convince myself that she would come when she was ready and me being impatient wasn't going to make her come any sooner. I had a very good conversation with a friend when I was 39 weeks, who I had talked through a similar situation with her last pregnancy and she made me realize that I needed to take my own advice. So I found peace- I needed to just enjoy this time. To live in the journey with the reassurance that the destination would come soon enough.
I tried to use that week to my advantage- keeping the house tidy, finishing a sewing project that I had wanted to finish before she was born, taking the kids to the park. I rested more, since my previous manic nesting energy seemed to be dying down. The day before she was born, the kiddos and I went to get ice cream at this great little place in town. Joe and I had a nice evening together- he was making a list of requests for the labor and birth: he wanted for it to start either in the morning or in the evening, for the hard part to be short. I told him to direct these requests at her, since these things weren't really up to me. Apparently, she was listening to him.
That night, I got as good of a night's sleep as one does when one is largely pregnant. At five in the morning, Liam started tossing and turning and it woke me up. The cat then started meowing and the deal was sealed. I tried to get back to sleep, but it just wasn't happening. I had a couple of contractions (but that was pretty usual, I had been having them for weeks). I had a contraction at 6 though that seemed different than the rest. I decided not to lay in bed any longer torturing myself, so I hopped out of bed to make some coffee.
It had been quite rainy in the weeks proceeding and was actually not raining that morning, so I decided to take my cup of coffee and sit on our back deck. It was a cool morning, so I put on Joe's fleece jacket and snuggled in. I watched for the sun to break over the top of the mountain. I was now having contractions about every 10 minutes and it was dawning on me that today might actually be the day. I sat quietly with this hope in my heart, waiting for the sun rise.
Isaac woke up and I invited him to sit on the back deck with me. Finally the sun came over the mountain. First it shown on the pasture close to our house and finally spread to us. I sat there, having another contraction with my eyes closed, the sun bright through my eyelids, finally convinced that the sensations that I was feeling were going to end in a baby in my arms in just a matter of time. I enjoyed Isaac's company for a bit longer before we decided to go inside and make some breakfast.
I knew that it might be a while before I was up for making a big breakfast, so we decided to make it special and have some pancakes. Whole wheat pancakes with bananas and walnuts. They taste like banana bread and my kids love them. I would stop and lean over the kitchen counter every 9 or 10 minutes during contractions, but this didn't seem to register with Isaac. He just seemed pleased to get some alone time with his Mama as we made our breakfast treat.
After he was served, Issy woke up and I made her some too. I whispered to her that it seemed like
Adelle was coming either today or tomorrow. I wanted her in on my little secret. Joe and Liam seemed to be sleeping in, so I let them. I ate my breakfast with the other kids and it was just a mellow time. At around 8, Liam came out and I got his pancakes. I figured Joe was getting ready for the day, so I went in and decided it was time to let him know what was going on. I told him that today (or the next day if she was a slowpoke) was likely the day. He asked how I knew and I told him I had been having contractions every 10ish minutes for the last couple of hours and they were different than previous ones.
The next couple of hours were busy. Joe got ready and then I showered. I took a last time belly picture. I wanted to get some cleaning done before the baby was born- I vacuumed and swept the floors, did the dishes, we all put some laundry away. Joe went to get a couple of last minute supplies and we put the kiddos in the bathtub. While Joe was gone, the contractions spaced apart, which was fine. I called a couple of people to let them know that today was the day. A friend who had agreed to watch the kids told me she could come and take them at about 11:30 if I wanted her to. By 11:30, the contractions were coming closer together again and slightly more intense, so it was nice to know that the kids were occupied and having fun with their friends.
The morning before she was born- I was in early labor in this picture
Joe and I ate lunch and I moaned through the contractions. I was a bit tired since I had been up since five, so we watched a movie and rested on the bed. This also caused the contractions to space out again, and although I couldn't sleep it was nice to rest until I was ready to take it to the next level. Around one or so, I decided that I had rested enough and I was ready for a change. It was overcast, but not rainy, so we decided to take a hike on one of the trails nearby.
So we hopped in the car and drove the 10 or 15 minutes to the Moose Creek trail. Contractions in the car- not fun. I was dealing fine with them when I could stand up, not so great when I was sitting there. Luckily I only had a couple in the car.
It was evident once we got there that the walk was definitely working at increasing the contractions. I was having them irregularly every 8 to 15 minutes before that and then they were about every 5ish minutes. It was a beautiful day- not too cool, nice breeze. Joe led me off trail which was nice so then I didn't have to feel self conscious about stopping and leaning on him and moaning every five minutes. This time will remain in my memory as one of my favorites of
Adelle's labor and birth. It was so beautiful, so peaceful. We laughed and chatted in between contractions and just took them as they came. It was such a stark contrast to my labor with Liam which was such a high pressure to perform situation. So much observation, so not private. Here we were, strolling through the woods, blessed with God's majesty in nature, enjoying each other's company.
After about an hour, we decided to head back home. Again, car contractions were not fun, and they were closer than they had been on the way there. But I dealt with them, very happy that I would not be needing to drive to the hospital in labor.
We got home and the friend that had the kids that afternoon brought them back to the house. We called our other two support people who would be around for the kids and they were on their way. We put on a movie for the kids and I hung out with them for a bit. I was hoping to reassure them that I was fine, just working through the contractions, and they giggled at me when I moaned loudly through the contractions. Joe made some chicken salad for dinner. I came upstairs after a bit, once I was sure the kids were settled and the contractions picked up again. Every 3 to 5 minutes now. They were building in intensity, but I was still able to chat between them. My two friends arrived and I talked with them for a little bit. Joe ran to the gas station because we were running out of toilet paper.
He got back a bit before 5 and I decided I wanted some privacy, so I took my sandwich and went to my bedroom. I turned on the Phantom of the Opera on the laptop and watched that and ate my sandwich between contractions. I emailed my sister to let her know how I was doing. I was handling things just fine, I just didn't think I could manage a phone conversation with them coming so closely. I starting having some bloody show, which was reassuring. I felt inside to see what was going on, since I knew something was going on or I wouldn't be having bloody show. I am not terribly spatial, so I have no idea how far dilated I was, but I could feel her bag bulging, it was like a little bubble. It was very cool.
And so it went. Joe came in at some point and did some counterpressure. I had the movie on but couldn't pay much attention to it since I was being interrupted so often. Joe and I had a discussion about whether I was in active labor (in hindsight, yes). But it was hard to tell because I was still able to chat between them and wasn't in "laborland".
Shortly before seven I had a contraction that was more painful than the other ones, so I told Joe to start filling up the tub. I felt like I was in a good enough contraction pattern that it would be ok to get in the tub without slowing things down.
I love this picture. It looks like labor felt at this point- relaxed, hazy around the edges, warm.
And it certainly didn't slow things down. Joe lit some candles and I told him he could go in the bedroom, but to stay close. Time was suspended between contractions. I just relaxed completely and looked at the candles and listened to the music. At some point (maybe 7:25 or so?) Joe came in. It was at just the right time, too. Shortly after he came in, the contractions picked up in intensity. Up to this point, I was doing fine handling them by myself, but now it was very nice to have him there. I would kneel up during the contraction and lean my head on him and he was making broad strokes down my back, which actually helped a lot. The competing sensation helped me focus on that instead of the mounting pain that the contractions were bringing.
I entered transition. Those first couple of painful ones really caught me off guard- this was faster than I had been expecting. I looked at Joe and told him I wasn't sure how many more of those I could do. He was very reassuring and told me that I *was* doing it. I knew this in my head, but it was so good to have it affirmed. I told him that there was no chance of me getting out of that bathtub, so unless he figured out a way to go over the mountain and have an epidural brought to me, I supposed I was going to have to do it :) Shortly before I started pushing I remember telling him that I was pretty sure I was in transition (I felt nauseated at the end of one of my contractions and had started shaking a bit, which I knew were signs of transition) but that I didn't want to get my hopes up in case it went on for a long time.
Transition
My hand was placed on my stomach because I could feel her feet moving right there. I knew that she was rotating and descending from where she had been at the start of labor. She was born a few minutes later.
This short and intense time was the only part of labor where I felt like I was just a passenger along for the ride. Until transition, I could at least do things that made the sensations more manageable, but now I just had to surrender to the wisdom of the body and go with it. At the end of transition I started to feel an immense amount of pressure and felt my tissues starting to burn (I think this was the last bit of dilation and her head pushing away the rest of my cervix). I told Joe this and then reached in to see what I could feel. Her head was maybe an inch or two in and I realized that this was going to be quick. (I think I told him that she would be born in the next two or three contractions- I was correct).
On the next contraction, I leaned into Joe's chest and screamed her to crowning. I had my hand on her head to guide her out, but my body was just doing it and I honestly just wanted this part to be over and to have my baby. Her head came all the way out on the next push and I leaned back a bit (from kneeling forward to a half squat, half kneel). It was pretty dim in there as it was just lit by candles but I reached down and felt her ear and knew that she was rotating correctly. I relayed this information to Joe because I wanted him to know that everything was going smoothly. He reached down and said he could feel her nose. I told him to flip on the light quickly because I wanted to be able to see her when she was out. I felt her kicking and rotating on the inside, with her head on the outside. When he got back to the tub, I leaned forward onto my hands and knees and pushed her body out. Joe caught her and I told him to pass her to me between my legs while I sat back.
And there she was. Amazingly miraculous. So simple. I mean, it happens all the time all over the world, but it is such a miracle all at the same time- a new soul being born into the world. Unique and unrepeatable. The only her to ever be born. She was breathing and moving right away, though she was quiet and mellow. Let out one brief cry and then was quiet again. Wanted to nurse within a few minutes. Those first few minutes were such sweet relief. She was here and healthy. We did it- me,
Adelle and her Daddy did it together.
This one is a bit blurry, but I like it. Our facial expressions match.
We had the kids come in a few minutes later- they were very excited to see her. We sat in the tub and nursed for a while (45ish minutes?) before I decided I wanted to get out and see if the placenta was ready to come out. We moved to the bed and cut the cord and while Joe weighed her, I went over to the blanket (which had a painter's tarp under it) and squatted to see if the placenta was ready. I delivered it smoothly and assessed my blood loss, which looked fine.
Meeting their sister. They had gone to an Arbor Day celebration with my friend earlier in the day, so they were showing her all the cool things that they got.
I got into bed to nurse her, because she was still hungry after being weighed. We nursed for a while and kept an eye on my bleeding. Joe dressed her and we let the kiddos come back in to get a closer look at her now that I wasn't in the tub. They held her and talked to her. Liam wanted to nurse, which he did. He held her hand while they nursed together. Such a beautiful way for her to be greeted and for her siblings to get to meet her. Joe then went to put them to bed while I nursed her (again!) and chatted with my friend and had something to eat and drink.
She wanted to nurse so much after she was born!
Everyone gets a closer look now.
Liam decided to hold her hand while they nursed.
I called my midwife friend to discuss blood loss, because bleeding too much had been one of those things that was on my radar. I was reassured since she was nursing so well and my uterus was firm and where it was supposed to be and I felt great.
Adelle nursed and nursed. She was either nursing or fussing because she wanted to nurse until about 3 in the morning when she finally fell asleep. I dozed off for a while but woke up about 4 and all I could do was stare at her with my heart so full of love. Love for her, love for my husband, love for my other babies. So grateful for the gift that was her birth. So thankful for the journey that my other births had been to bring me to this point.
An ordinary miracle.
She was watching her cupcakes bake the day before. Pretty girl.
Sitting with her Grammie (who is also her Godmother) at her birthday party.
Cousin Conrad is fascinating.
Eating her birthday dinner. Caught by surprise, apparently.
My lovely and talented friend Elizabeth helped me decorate the cupcakes (and lent me the cupcake stand!) Lots of fun :)
Maybe next year she can blow out her own candle.
"Hmmmm, this looks interesting..."
"....I might smash a little into my tray..."
"...perhaps taste a little, too."
Silly cousin with a frosting mustache and chest hair.
Fun gift!
Leave it to big sis to show her how it works.
