Gah! No more!

If breastfeeding icks you out or simply doesn't interest you, skip this post.

(And general disclaimer: My following feelings about breastfeeding are just that- my feelings. Your mileage may vary.)

Breastfeeding has been an important part of my mothering. It has been more than food delivery system- it is snuggling, it is bonding, it is physical sacrifice to further share my body after pregnancy is over. It is about a gazillion other things that are hard to articulate. Simply put, it helps me to be a more attentive, loving mother.

Oh, I mean, there are downsides. Issy and I had quite a rough start and I was quite sore on and off the first two and a half months. But we got through it and at some point I remember looking at her adoringly while I was nursing and thinking, "These are all those warm fuzzies that people talk about when they talk about nursing." Ahh, gotta love those good hormones. It was tough nursing Isaac through PPD, but I am so glad I did. It gave us a connection when that bond seemed tenuous. There were times in Liam's second year of life when the demands of breastfeeding seemed to outweigh the benefits, but then we got past the hump and it really eased his transition through moving and becoming a big brother and moving again.

Then this February happened. Apparently February of 2010 was destined to be one of those "valleys" in my breastfeeding journey with Adelle. I am sitting here with my fourth plugged duct since the beginning of the month. Two of which got infected, one of which required antibiotics. I am feeling very frustrated. It is really painful and time consuming.

I just don't know what I am doing wrong. Because while I have dealt with plugged ducts a few times between my other children and mastitis one other time, it has never been like this. I think it started because she had an ear infection and she wasn't nursing well on the one side. But then she was nursing fine the next week and it returned. And then the week after that I got one on the other side. And today I woke up and it was on the first side again and it is getting ridiculous.

The variables, oh the variables. I got my first one when her ear hurt. She is also teething? Does her ear still hurt? She just started solids, is her tummy bothering her? Is my bra ill fitting?

GAH!

This is just a valley. We will get through it and I will be looking at her adoringly and kissing her fuzzy head while she nurses and will be thankful that we persevered.

Right?

Justed wanted to share....

This was taken in August of 2008.

From the archives: Isaac

The husband's new blog

For those who were fans of my hubby's blog (that he was somewhat sporadic about) head on over to his new blog! He promises it'll be worth your while :)

Joe's Photo Journal

From the archives: Issy

Hats and pants and messed up soakers, oh my!

A hat knit for Isaac in December. Clementine ate his hat last year. Simple and handsome.

I actually knit two identical ones for my friend and my sister-in-law who had baby girls in October and January, respectively. Some handsome little longies knit up for a friend who just had a baby last month. Some Manos I bought at the yarn store in Jackson when we first moved a couple years ago. The yarn is so beautiful!

Stupid soaker, lol. I knit it in August, in one day working at the yarn store. Took me forever to do one cuff. Forever and a day to do the second cuff. Right after I finished the second cuff, I realized that I did it in the wrong needle size (about 4 sizes too big, to be precise) and I just haven't ripped it out and did it all over again. Seriously, it would take me about 45 minutes tops. Sometimes my ridiculousness about things astounds even me.

Lent

I like sleep. A lot. When I was in high school and early college, I used to sleep as much as humanly possible while still being a productive person. Too bad you can't save sleeping points, because I would have been set well into my thirties.

You say, "But wait, Erin, your blog title is Lent. Why are you talking about sleep?"

I still love my sleep. I don't remember the last time I slept through the night on a consistent basis. When Issy was an infant? At any rate, a long time ago. Because I still get up with Adelle 2-4 times a night, I usually roll out of bed about the time that Joe is going to work.

So my Lenten resolution is to get out of bed early and spend a half an hour on prayer and reflection before starting my day. It is going... interestingly? I am hoping that this will help me to work on spiritual and physical self-discipline.

So there, I said it. Ask me how it is going in a week or two.

Edited to Add: It was brought to my attention that perhaps this post might be kind of like what Jesus was talking about not doing in the Gospel on Wednesday Not my intention. I am only putting this out here because frankly, I am lazy. And I need accountability. I figured if I wrote it down, I would be more likely to follow through instead of rolling over in bed when my alarm goes off.

Some knitting

Mr. Bear. Made him for as a baby shower gift for a friend who is having a boy in March/ April. My first knitted toy!!

Swiffer cover. I haven't actually used it yet, but i am nerdily excited about this. Now I won't have to pay out the nose for the disposable ones!

Beautiful daughters

Thank you all for your words of encouragement regarding my last post. It really does help :) Now some pics of my cuties.

She lost her first top tooth. What a big girl!

Oh, my sweet Adelle. She is really so wonderful and brings so much joy to the family.

She finally sits at almost 8 months old! She was so busy learning to crawl and pull herself up that she couldn't be bothered with sitting in one place until now. And she still doesn't stay long before she is off on her next adventure.

Evidently, I need to take some more pictures of my boys. Noted.

Ok, I am putting this out here. No overthinking- just writing.

Life is weird. Just weird, sometimes in a bad way and sometimes in a just different way. I am having a harder time adjusting to this move than I had anticipated. I miss Idaho/the mountains more than I had imagined I would.

I miss the mountains (and clear water, solitude, my old house- the list goes on ...) I feel guilt for missing the mountains because I feel like being here should just be enough. Lather, rinse, repeat. Let me break that down for you:

I feel bad--> I feel like I should feel differently--> I feel bad for feeling bad.

And the problem is, I am not sure what to do with myself. This doesn't feel like "home" anymore. Perhaps it is just the adjustment period. Maybe it'll get easier when spring comes. Maybe not. Do I want it to? If things get easier, will I get complacent?

Here is The Positive. The children are beautiful. They are smart, they are kind (um, most of the time), creative, their smiles brighten my days. They love being by their aunts and uncles, cousins, friends. I love that for them. I love being by them too. I have the opportunity to start my midwifery education. Joe's job is better.

Allllright. Thanks for listening to my "vent". Feels better to get it out :)