Ok, I am putting this out here. No overthinking- just writing.
Life is weird. Just weird, sometimes in a bad way and sometimes in a just different way. I am having a harder time adjusting to this move than I had anticipated. I miss Idaho/the mountains more than I had imagined I would.
I miss the mountains (and clear water, solitude, my old house- the list goes on ...) I feel guilt for missing the mountains because I feel like being here should just be enough. Lather, rinse, repeat. Let me break that down for you:
I feel bad--> I feel like I should feel differently--> I feel bad for feeling bad.
And the problem is, I am not sure what to do with myself. This doesn't feel like "home" anymore. Perhaps it is just the adjustment period. Maybe it'll get easier when spring comes. Maybe not. Do I want it to? If things get easier, will I get complacent?
Here is The Positive. The children are beautiful. They are smart, they are kind (um, most of the time), creative, their smiles brighten my days. They love being by their aunts and uncles, cousins, friends. I love that for them. I love being by them too. I have the opportunity to start my midwifery education. Joe's job is better.
Allllright. Thanks for listening to my "vent". Feels better to get it out :)
7 comments:
Venting is a good thing. Change is hard even when they are upside to the change. I think there is nothing wrong with allowing myself short periods to vent and think about things that are not as I want them to be in my life. Sometimes this means a few days of grumpiness here and there or feeling unsettled. I think that as long as I don't get stuck there and move past the frustrations, it can be learning and growing time. I often think about a motivational speaker that I listened to in my career days. "The law of attraction: You attract more of what you focus on." I try to bring it to God. You have had a HUGE adjustment in you life and change takes time, if you need to have moments of venting be sure to get it out!
And also here is a big hug from your big sis!
Sorry I had a typo and deleted my second comment.
I agree with your wise older sister. :) Venting is good and the Internet will always listen. ;)
One thing I want to say is don't feel bad about feeling bad because this is just how you feel right now. Especially don't let yourself feel like you are hurting any of us here by your feelings. We know it's not us...at least I think so. ;)
It's just a crazy, fuzzy time in your life right now. The fog will lift.
Aside from the sappy words of encouragment and understanding, talk to Mary about her 'happy pills'. ;) (vitamin D3)
Honestly, when I saw you moving, my heart ached a bit, because we had just gotten back from Colorado, and I had the longing for that life...the mountains, water, etc. We've been in the same boat. Granted we can't move yet because of the older two kids, but I've felt that pull of the peace/serenity, beauty, different feeling of God's presence in the mountains versus the great family surrounding us here. In the end, I guess I just mean to say don't feel bad...it's a hard position to be in, and it's your heart feeling that and responding to you...you can't deny yourself that. It doesn't help that we're in the middle of gross Kansas winter either...nothing to look at to raise our eyes here ;) And it is a huge adjustment...sometimes we need the stability of a familiar place when everything else as a mother seems to fluctuate daily. Hang in there! Praying for you!
I think everyone else already stole all my potential words of wisdom, but you can be assured of my prayers for you and your family as you continue to get used to the flatlands again.
LIfe's all about adapting and changing, Erin, hang in there!
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