The day that Kolbe died, I didn't pet him. We were busy- I don't remember exactly with what now; I think I went to the store in the morning, we converted George's crib to a bed that afternoon and then went to a parish dinner in the evening. I do remember sitting on the loveseat in the reading nook after I got home from the store and seeing him sitting next to the sandbox, rather gingerly, in the snow. The boys had gone into the woods, but he didn't seem to have the energy to follow them that day, so he sat in the snow, waiting for them. He was sitting so still that I asked Joe if he thought Kolbe was ok. A short time later, we saw him get up, so my worries were put to rest. By the time he came inside with the boys I was on to another something to keep me busy, so I didn't really notice him again. The last time I took note of him was when he was sitting in the snow, listening for our boys.
When I found him that evening, I immediately had a pang of guilt. When was the last time I had pet him? Talked to him? The night before? I had grown so used to having him around- to letting him out to potty, to getting him food and water, to him just being just part of life around here, that even though I cared for him, I didn't always notice him as a living, breathing part of our family.
In the nights that have followed, when my mind wonders to him and this fact, it has forced me to assess the rest of my family. I care for them, certainly. I cook meals, I wash laundry, I clean house, I get snacks, I wipe tushies, I help with homework, I nurse, I clothe. But in all that caring, I often forget about the day to day noticing. And even though my kids are young and Joe and I are certainly not old, none of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. Without being morbid, I forced myself to think of what it would be like if I lost one of them, with no notice. And how I would feel about my behavior towards them in those last days, weeks, months. I love them, I care for them but I would want them to know, without a doubt, that I cherish them. Truly. Joe, Isabelle, Isaac, Liam, Adelle and George are the six greatest gifts that God has given me and nothing on Earth is more important.
I would like to say that my behavior since this revelation has been without reproach. But I am a work in progress. I am still selfish, distracted and snappy at times. I am working on it. Being distracted is what I view as one of my bigger obstacles. I had actually decided to give up my Kindle for Lent even before all of this. It was too tempting- the internet with all of it's mindless distraction, just a few feet away at all times. It was almost always more exciting than just sitting and drinking coffee, or just doing homework or just playing cars.
I don't want my children or husband to think back on me, on our time together, to remember how I looked with my face glowing in the light of a screen. Mindless distraction isn't worth it. I want them to know that I am all in- I love them, I seek to know them better, I care for them and that I cherish them.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Journal: The groundhog must've mistaken
Out my window: 30 degrees and grey. It snowed another 5 inches last week, but it got up to 40 and was sunny yesterday so some of it melted. Maybe more snow tomorrow night? It was a super beautiful snow last week, so I can't complain too much. And it is better than being in Kansas currently.
Clothing myself in: Jeans, fair isle sweater, wool socks.
Around the house: Currently trying decide on a new mirror and light for our master bedroom. Both the hallway bathroom and ours did have a large medicine cabinet with 3 mirrors that opened. Well, Liam was trying to close the mirror in the hallway one day and there was something in the way and instead of moving it, he just kept pushing- and broke two of the mirrors. So we moved two from our bedroom into the hallway. And now we are going to replace it with a mirror and light. And maybe an inset cabinet on the side.
The toddler: Oh my. He is feeling better. His mood has improved considerably. Buuuuut, his sleeping has been off the charts awful. Getting up 2 or 3 times and then awake for the day around 4:30. Insanity. And his napping, with a couple of exceptions, has been abysmal, too. This too shall pass? Or is this the new normal? I don't know. It sucks, but what can you do? I can't make him sleep, as much as I wish I could. I am also trying to figure out why, which is not revealing any obvious answers. He does have one incisor left to cut. He has been talking up a storm. And we switched him to a bed instead of a crib. I guess any one of those things could be causing it, but not sure.
He won the battle of the kitchen. I tried to baby proof it, I did. But he was just too pesty. I couldn't make dinner without him messing with the stove knobs, I was afraid he would scale the stove and burn his hand, he would pull things off the cabinet, snatch stuff if people were coloring or eating at the table, steal stuff when I was trying to load the dishwasher. So we bought another gate and we gated off the reading nook/ kitchen/ dining area for now. I did the dishes the morning with minimal hassle (he stood at the gate for a bit and whined before going to play), I was able to let Adelle color without him taking and eating the crayons. It was a good solution, at least for now.
Words this week: thank you, cookie, if you say "one" he will say "two, three". Stand up. Hey, what's that? Georgie, boot, hat. It has been a crazy talking week around here.
Crafting: I am knitting myself a green shrug out of Blue Sky Alpacas worsted cotton in Pickle. I found a pattern on Ravelry that I liked, but didn't want to buy it and it seemed simple enough, so I am winging it. We will see how it goes. Want to wear it for Easter if it turns out ok.
In the kitchen: Stew, chili and grilled cheese with tomato soup for Friday.
Bringing me joy: I might have mentioned it before, but I love it when George falls asleep on Joe in Church. Nothing cuter than seeing my sweet hubby holding my sleeping toddler. A clean kitchen. Standing on the back deck in a sweater and jeans, feeling the warm sun on my face. Quiet Sunday afternoon.
Thinking about: How happy I am it is almost March.
Pictures to share: Shoveling on Saturday morning.
Clothing myself in: Jeans, fair isle sweater, wool socks.
Around the house: Currently trying decide on a new mirror and light for our master bedroom. Both the hallway bathroom and ours did have a large medicine cabinet with 3 mirrors that opened. Well, Liam was trying to close the mirror in the hallway one day and there was something in the way and instead of moving it, he just kept pushing- and broke two of the mirrors. So we moved two from our bedroom into the hallway. And now we are going to replace it with a mirror and light. And maybe an inset cabinet on the side.
The toddler: Oh my. He is feeling better. His mood has improved considerably. Buuuuut, his sleeping has been off the charts awful. Getting up 2 or 3 times and then awake for the day around 4:30. Insanity. And his napping, with a couple of exceptions, has been abysmal, too. This too shall pass? Or is this the new normal? I don't know. It sucks, but what can you do? I can't make him sleep, as much as I wish I could. I am also trying to figure out why, which is not revealing any obvious answers. He does have one incisor left to cut. He has been talking up a storm. And we switched him to a bed instead of a crib. I guess any one of those things could be causing it, but not sure.
He won the battle of the kitchen. I tried to baby proof it, I did. But he was just too pesty. I couldn't make dinner without him messing with the stove knobs, I was afraid he would scale the stove and burn his hand, he would pull things off the cabinet, snatch stuff if people were coloring or eating at the table, steal stuff when I was trying to load the dishwasher. So we bought another gate and we gated off the reading nook/ kitchen/ dining area for now. I did the dishes the morning with minimal hassle (he stood at the gate for a bit and whined before going to play), I was able to let Adelle color without him taking and eating the crayons. It was a good solution, at least for now.
Words this week: thank you, cookie, if you say "one" he will say "two, three". Stand up. Hey, what's that? Georgie, boot, hat. It has been a crazy talking week around here.
Crafting: I am knitting myself a green shrug out of Blue Sky Alpacas worsted cotton in Pickle. I found a pattern on Ravelry that I liked, but didn't want to buy it and it seemed simple enough, so I am winging it. We will see how it goes. Want to wear it for Easter if it turns out ok.
In the kitchen: Stew, chili and grilled cheese with tomato soup for Friday.
Bringing me joy: I might have mentioned it before, but I love it when George falls asleep on Joe in Church. Nothing cuter than seeing my sweet hubby holding my sleeping toddler. A clean kitchen. Standing on the back deck in a sweater and jeans, feeling the warm sun on my face. Quiet Sunday afternoon.
Thinking about: How happy I am it is almost March.
Pictures to share: Shoveling on Saturday morning.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Journal: Spring, please
Out my window: 24 and cloudy-ish. I think it is supposed to snow some today and be cold this week. At the end of my 10 day forecast, however, are a couple of 41 degree days. Yes, I am ready for that.
I also noticed this weekend that it has been not getting dark as early in the evening, and is lightier in the morning. I am sure this has been gradual, but I just noticed all of a sudden. A sure sign that Spring is just around the corner.
Clothing myself in: Black yoga pants, red hoodie sweatshirt, blue and brown argyle socks.
Around the house: Joe sanded the drywall a bit this weekend.
The toddler: Oh, bless his little heart. His cold and cough turned into a rather nasty sinus infection and I ended up taking him to the doctor on Friday after a really terrible, no-good, sleepless night the night before. He is slowly improving, though he is still pretty crabby. Basically, if I am playing with him, he is whiny and wants to fling himself all over me. Not snuggle, just whine and throw himself in my direction. Or if I am not "playing" with him, he is getting into All The Things. I am just praying that as he continues to feel better I will get my happy (if not ornery) little Critter back.
The kiddos: Liam's handwriting book has a page where you print, "Love God, Hate Sin". In our house, hate is a non-polite word and so whenever the kids come across it, they always seem a little alarmed. As Liam was doing his handwriting that day he said, "Can I say that word?" and I told him as long as he was talking about sin, in this instance, sure, it was fine. Well, apparently he went with with because we were driving to the doctor the other day and he said, "Isaac and I were saying all the bad words we could think of about sin." My response was a neutral, "Oh, really?" and he said, "Yeah. Like: Hate sin. Or freakin' sin. Or stupid sin. Or dumb sin." I love my boys.
Crafting: Nope
In the kitchen: Joe is going to fry catfish on Friday. I am excited- he is a good cook.
Bringing me joy: Standing in the kitchen with Joe, laughing about something I don't remember but being struck (again) by how much joy our friendship brings me- I love the way he makes me laugh. George hugging me around the neck as I walk him back to bed after a night nursing; the other day when he finished nursing how he pulled away and made the sound that we make before we kiss, so I kissed him. And then he growled and laughed at me. My Issy snuggles, seeing Isaac's joy at getting to go to confession, Liam telling me he has part human heart, part animal heart and that is why he loves animals so much. Adelle whispering in my ear that when she grows up she is going to stay with me forever and that when she is big her tooth will "liggle" (wiggle) and fall out.
Thinking about: Grace.
Pictures to share: My big kids
I also noticed this weekend that it has been not getting dark as early in the evening, and is lightier in the morning. I am sure this has been gradual, but I just noticed all of a sudden. A sure sign that Spring is just around the corner.
Clothing myself in: Black yoga pants, red hoodie sweatshirt, blue and brown argyle socks.
Around the house: Joe sanded the drywall a bit this weekend.
The toddler: Oh, bless his little heart. His cold and cough turned into a rather nasty sinus infection and I ended up taking him to the doctor on Friday after a really terrible, no-good, sleepless night the night before. He is slowly improving, though he is still pretty crabby. Basically, if I am playing with him, he is whiny and wants to fling himself all over me. Not snuggle, just whine and throw himself in my direction. Or if I am not "playing" with him, he is getting into All The Things. I am just praying that as he continues to feel better I will get my happy (if not ornery) little Critter back.
The kiddos: Liam's handwriting book has a page where you print, "Love God, Hate Sin". In our house, hate is a non-polite word and so whenever the kids come across it, they always seem a little alarmed. As Liam was doing his handwriting that day he said, "Can I say that word?" and I told him as long as he was talking about sin, in this instance, sure, it was fine. Well, apparently he went with with because we were driving to the doctor the other day and he said, "Isaac and I were saying all the bad words we could think of about sin." My response was a neutral, "Oh, really?" and he said, "Yeah. Like: Hate sin. Or freakin' sin. Or stupid sin. Or dumb sin." I love my boys.
Crafting: Nope
In the kitchen: Joe is going to fry catfish on Friday. I am excited- he is a good cook.
Bringing me joy: Standing in the kitchen with Joe, laughing about something I don't remember but being struck (again) by how much joy our friendship brings me- I love the way he makes me laugh. George hugging me around the neck as I walk him back to bed after a night nursing; the other day when he finished nursing how he pulled away and made the sound that we make before we kiss, so I kissed him. And then he growled and laughed at me. My Issy snuggles, seeing Isaac's joy at getting to go to confession, Liam telling me he has part human heart, part animal heart and that is why he loves animals so much. Adelle whispering in my ear that when she grows up she is going to stay with me forever and that when she is big her tooth will "liggle" (wiggle) and fall out.
Thinking about: Grace.
Pictures to share: My big kids
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Journal: Valentine's Day
Out my window: 32 and snowing lightly. It got up into the high 30's yesterday- 38, I think. Felt downright balmy. Weird.
Clothing myself in: Pretty cowl neck pink long sleeved knit shirt, my nice jeans. Grey socks with pink and white snowflakes. I wanted to be fancy for Valentine's Day
Around the house: All adult laundry is done and ready to be put away. Gonna do that today. I really mean it.
The toddler: Sick again :( In this round of passing things back and forth, he got a fever and cough. He was so warm last night, I was worried. He is still plenty ornery, though, even illness doesn't slow him down much. If he isn't better by tomorrow, I might take him to the doctor. Gah, I hate the whole "should I take the child to the doctor" dilemma. If there isn't anything they can do anyway, I prefer to let it pass on it's own and not risk giving him (and the siblings that have to go along) something worse that they pick up at the doctor's office. On the other hand, I always worry that I will miss something really bad. I had no idea that motherhood would be so anxiety-inducing.
In other news, he climbed out of his crib on Friday night. So we converted his crib to his toddler bed on Saturday. It has actually been going pretty well. We are back to nursing him or rocking him until he is drowsy and then laying him down, which is fine. Sniff- big boy.
Some words this week- around, around (when him and Adelle run in circle together), what's that, and stop (said very emphatically when a sibling does something he doesn't like).
The kiddos: Isaac made his First Reconciliation on Sunday. Beforehand, he told me that his soul was excited to be clean :)
They are all adjusting to Kolbe being gone. Liam is very expressive about it and the others are a little more quiet.
Crafting: Nope
The kitchen: Tried my hand at some homemade cream of mushroom soup yesterday and I thought it was good. I think I will try to make and a freeze a few batches- it was so easy. Made the Butternut squash and sausage dish and it was delicious. I used bowtie pasta and turkey sausage instead, with no complaints. Cataloging my meatless dishes for Lent.
Bringing me joy: Well, there has been much sorrow since Kolbe passed,but it is important to find joy even in sorrow so: I am so glad that he died in what appeared to be a peaceful way, in his safe place; for the chance to console our children and the way that they console each other; and for the way that my boys helped Joe outside on Sunday.
Joy for the grace of Reconciliation. Joy for a good start to Lent.
Thinking about: Lent. I gave up my Kindle Fire. I think this will be good- difficult, but fruitful. I am looking forward to this Lent.
Picture to share:
Clothing myself in: Pretty cowl neck pink long sleeved knit shirt, my nice jeans. Grey socks with pink and white snowflakes. I wanted to be fancy for Valentine's Day
Around the house: All adult laundry is done and ready to be put away. Gonna do that today. I really mean it.
The toddler: Sick again :( In this round of passing things back and forth, he got a fever and cough. He was so warm last night, I was worried. He is still plenty ornery, though, even illness doesn't slow him down much. If he isn't better by tomorrow, I might take him to the doctor. Gah, I hate the whole "should I take the child to the doctor" dilemma. If there isn't anything they can do anyway, I prefer to let it pass on it's own and not risk giving him (and the siblings that have to go along) something worse that they pick up at the doctor's office. On the other hand, I always worry that I will miss something really bad. I had no idea that motherhood would be so anxiety-inducing.
In other news, he climbed out of his crib on Friday night. So we converted his crib to his toddler bed on Saturday. It has actually been going pretty well. We are back to nursing him or rocking him until he is drowsy and then laying him down, which is fine. Sniff- big boy.
Some words this week- around, around (when him and Adelle run in circle together), what's that, and stop (said very emphatically when a sibling does something he doesn't like).
The kiddos: Isaac made his First Reconciliation on Sunday. Beforehand, he told me that his soul was excited to be clean :)
They are all adjusting to Kolbe being gone. Liam is very expressive about it and the others are a little more quiet.
Crafting: Nope
The kitchen: Tried my hand at some homemade cream of mushroom soup yesterday and I thought it was good. I think I will try to make and a freeze a few batches- it was so easy. Made the Butternut squash and sausage dish and it was delicious. I used bowtie pasta and turkey sausage instead, with no complaints. Cataloging my meatless dishes for Lent.
Bringing me joy: Well, there has been much sorrow since Kolbe passed,but it is important to find joy even in sorrow so: I am so glad that he died in what appeared to be a peaceful way, in his safe place; for the chance to console our children and the way that they console each other; and for the way that my boys helped Joe outside on Sunday.
Joy for the grace of Reconciliation. Joy for a good start to Lent.
Thinking about: Lent. I gave up my Kindle Fire. I think this will be good- difficult, but fruitful. I am looking forward to this Lent.
Picture to share:
Monday, February 11, 2013
Sad
Our Kolbe pup died on Saturday, so I am having a hard time thinking about much else right now.
I am not sure what I want to say, Joe already said it thoroughly and beautifully.
I will say this. I was not a dog person when we got him. We had cats growing up, but whenever I would ask about a dog, my mother would say no. Which I get, because chewing things up! and fur! and dog breath! But Joe loved dogs and it was important to him, so Kolbe joined our family less than a month after we got married.
He worked his way into my heart. He wasn't perfect, but he was always loving. And loyal. And gentle and patient. And he made even this dog- dubious person love him.
I really miss him. I mean,I knew that this day would come eventually and that I would be very sad. But I didn't realize how much he was a part of our family. I miss the way he would prance around in the evening after bedtime prayers, waiting to be fed. I miss the way he would sit in the middle of the narrow kitchen while I was trying to get dinner on the table, stubbornly making me step around him or ask him to move several times.
I miss the way he would be patiently waiting for me to open the girl's room at bedtime, ready to go sleep in there. The way he would lay his head on your lap to get you to pet him and if you ignored him, he would put a paw on your lap , because clearly, you didn't see him laying his head in your lap, or else you would have been petting him.
And about a gazillion other things.
So good-bye, my sweet pup. Thanks for teaching me how wonderful a dog can be.
I am not sure what I want to say, Joe already said it thoroughly and beautifully.
I will say this. I was not a dog person when we got him. We had cats growing up, but whenever I would ask about a dog, my mother would say no. Which I get, because chewing things up! and fur! and dog breath! But Joe loved dogs and it was important to him, so Kolbe joined our family less than a month after we got married.
He worked his way into my heart. He wasn't perfect, but he was always loving. And loyal. And gentle and patient. And he made even this dog- dubious person love him.
I really miss him. I mean,I knew that this day would come eventually and that I would be very sad. But I didn't realize how much he was a part of our family. I miss the way he would prance around in the evening after bedtime prayers, waiting to be fed. I miss the way he would sit in the middle of the narrow kitchen while I was trying to get dinner on the table, stubbornly making me step around him or ask him to move several times.
I miss the way he would be patiently waiting for me to open the girl's room at bedtime, ready to go sleep in there. The way he would lay his head on your lap to get you to pet him and if you ignored him, he would put a paw on your lap , because clearly, you didn't see him laying his head in your lap, or else you would have been petting him.
And about a gazillion other things.
So good-bye, my sweet pup. Thanks for teaching me how wonderful a dog can be.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Journal: Alive, if not entirely awake
Out my window: 8 degrees and sunny. It snowed a lot on Wednesday last week (8? inches) and has snowed 1 or 2 inches a couple of other times since then. Yaaay! It is lovely, I am glad it finally is wintery. If it is going to be cold at least it should be snowy and pretty.
Clothing myself in: Grey long sleeved t-shirt, Fair Isle sweater over it. Green cargo pants.
Around the house: Joe worked on mudding this weekend. Sanding soon!
The toddler: Up since a little before 5 this morning. And that was after an 11, 1 and 2:30 wake-up. Teeeeth.
The kiddos: Delle had the fever, then Liam. Luckily, no other accompanying symptoms. Issy and Isaac had good report cards and conferences. Trying to decide what we will do with Liam next year for school.
Crafting: Started a baby hat. Need to finish it before she outgrows it or it gets to be Spring :P Got out the fabric for a baby blanket.
In the kitchen: Slim pickins. Store this week. Trying to come up with a brilliant menu that is healthy/easy/child friendly/inexpensive. Yeeeeeah.
Bringing me joy: George giving Joe kisses in Church, Mom's group, somewhat spontaneous date night with Joe, holding Isaac's hand as we talk about his day at school, Issy cuddled up next to me watching football, hanging out with my boys, Issy and Adelle's excitement about going to the Daddy/Daughter dance with Joe.
Thinking about: Lent. I tend to make grand plans, start off fine and then really just peter out. I need to find something doable, but you know, a sacrifice.
Picture to share: Play dough. Hours of entertainment.
Clothing myself in: Grey long sleeved t-shirt, Fair Isle sweater over it. Green cargo pants.
Around the house: Joe worked on mudding this weekend. Sanding soon!
The toddler: Up since a little before 5 this morning. And that was after an 11, 1 and 2:30 wake-up. Teeeeth.
The kiddos: Delle had the fever, then Liam. Luckily, no other accompanying symptoms. Issy and Isaac had good report cards and conferences. Trying to decide what we will do with Liam next year for school.
Crafting: Started a baby hat. Need to finish it before she outgrows it or it gets to be Spring :P Got out the fabric for a baby blanket.
In the kitchen: Slim pickins. Store this week. Trying to come up with a brilliant menu that is healthy/easy/child friendly/inexpensive. Yeeeeeah.
Bringing me joy: George giving Joe kisses in Church, Mom's group, somewhat spontaneous date night with Joe, holding Isaac's hand as we talk about his day at school, Issy cuddled up next to me watching football, hanging out with my boys, Issy and Adelle's excitement about going to the Daddy/Daughter dance with Joe.
Thinking about: Lent. I tend to make grand plans, start off fine and then really just peter out. I need to find something doable, but you know, a sacrifice.
Picture to share: Play dough. Hours of entertainment.
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