Growing pains

I keep starting blog posts, getting overwhelmed at everything that is bouncing around in my head and then abandoning them.

There are two main things that I keep going back and forth between:
I am having a hard time letting go of the life we left when we came back to Kansas.

In that life, I was slowly but surely building a support system, making friends. I lived in a house that I loved, that was comfortable and felt like home. The view out my window was always breathtaking. My body felt good there. My soul felt good there- how can such beauty not inspire me to draw closer to my Creator?  I missed my family, I missed my friends but they never really seemed that far away. Distance doesn't really matter to Love.

It is silly. I understand I can't live in the past. That was then. And to take back the last two years would be to take back some awesome things. Namely, the opportunity to be with so many of the people that we love and that love us dearly.  And my sweet little Georgie and the care that was provided to me that allowed me to bring him into this world while both of us remained healthy and whole.

But this is the last thing I saw when I stepped on that plane to leave.

And I have a hard time getting it out of my head.

Then the what ifs and the coulda, shoulda, wouldas start to flow. And I just want to be back there again.

The second thing that is often on my mind is just what comes next?  I know that another huge life change is likely in the works. Very possibly a move. But there are many more questions than there are answers- where, when, how? I feel oddly at peace with it until I think about how hard it is going to be. The practical aspects- packing, moving. Adjusting. Meeting new people. Missing playdays at my sister's house and the kids missing afternoons with Grammie. Missing watching my nieces and nephews grow.  Really, just the missing in general. I am not sure I am ready to do it all again.

But we go where life takes us.  Sometimes when my children have to do things they don't want to do I tell them, "Well, you have to do it, so you can either do it the nice way or the hard way but it will be easier if you do it the nice way".  I should tell myself this when I want to start whining.

Mostly, I feel very worn and ready to get to "normal". The last 5 years especially have been so exhausting. Since 2007, we have lived in two states, in five houses,  had two pregnancies and added two babies.  I should say that we are definitely a stronger family for it, but it is tiring nonetheless. I am ready to settle. I am ready for mundane. Routine. Rhythm.

That is my hope- that wherever we go we can settle in, build community and really call it home.