I miss her. But that statement is so inadequate, I hate to even put it down. The truth is, I have begun to forget. Not her- I think of her quite often. But I have all but forgotten, or at least I have a hard time imagining, what it was like when she was here. In the early years, I could imagine what it would have been like to have her at my wedding, to have her at the birth of my kids, how much she wouldn't have liked us moving to Idaho but would have loved the mountains there.
But it is fading. And I hate it. A lot of my memories of her are snippets of our last interactions. Joe and I had gotten engaged the night before she went in for surgery, the night before they discovered the cancer had spread and she was dying.
I think of Joe asking my parents for their blessing after the anesthesia had worn off and we had gone to her hospital room.
Once she was at home and receiving hospice care, playing her music that we wanted to have at our wedding. I remember her closing her eyes to listen to All the Heavens and Canon in D.
Talking to her about how she wanted to make it for our wedding in June. She acknowledged that it would be a "long, cold winter" before June. It was a long, cold winter, though I had to do it without her.
She had wanted to see me in the wedding dress I had chosen. It was in Olathe though, and she wasn't strong enough for the trip up there so I bought it and they mailed it to me. It arrived on a Friday. She was falling asleep when I went to try it on and she woke up briefly enough to appreciate it. I remember her hands as she touched the fabric.
She didn't wake up much after that. She died on a Tuesday night.
Standing on the back porch shortly after she died, hugging Joe, looking at the sky, wondering where she was.
Going to bed that night, after they had taken her body away, sleeping with my sisters and Joe on the floor. Feeling so empty. Poured out. Wondering how it would ever be okay, let alone good again, without her there.
Those early months of grief hurt so bad. And I thought that the can-hardly-breathe moments would never end. But they did.
I suppose this fading, this moving into acceptance is preferable. But I feel like I left something when I was able to move on. The can-hardly-breathe grief seemed more appropriate. But who can live like forever?
Over the last year, several people- people from Church who knew her, my aunts, my friends who knew her- have told me that I look like her. I like that I look like her. I look in the mirror and see a bit of her. I look at my hands and think about her's. I used to look at her hands in Church on Sunday. Sometimes my children look at my hands in Church. It's a circle, I suppose.
I can only hope that I can be as kind and loving of a person as she was as well.
