Expanding on yesterday's post

My friend Karen asked me to expand a little on what had been helpful from the book i had been reading, so i thought i would do that here. (I was going to do it in the comments section, Karen, but i think i was getting a little long-winded)

I'll start at the beginning. I have wanted to be a Mama for as long as i can remember. When Joe and i started dating, we talked romantically about the babies that we would have one day. And nine months after we got married, Isabelle was born. As an infant, she was super duper (and for those that didn't know her then, i mean realllllly) mellow. Then she became a toddler, then a preschooler. And all the while, she was getting more beautiful, more intelligent, and unforunately, sassier and more stubborn.

I'll admit, the stubbornness and the sassiness are a direct result of being born to me *looks sheepish* She is definitely her Mother's daughter. Because of this, we were often at odds. She would sass, i would sass back... you can imagine the cycle. But i just didn't know how to deal with her. She would be upset or frustrated or angry and instead of acknowledging her right to have those feelings and trying to deal with them appropriately, i would brush her off or get angry about it. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of taking away privledges and just power struggle after power struggle. Joe and i decided early on in our parenting that we wouldn't spank, because we felt it was counterproductive, it didn't seem terribly effective at long term behavioral changes, and well, it felt icky. But we hadn't really come up with a good solution to what we would be doing in regards to discipline.

And Isaac, well, Isaac has always been himself. He was really high-needs as a baby and he has always felt things very strongly. Huge meltdowns at seemingly small things. And it only infuriates him when you try to get him over it before he can process it.

The book i referenced in my previous post, has been extremely helpful in defusing situations that would have ended up in arguments before. It is just good for communication, whether parent/child, or with other adults. There are several components, but the most helpful for us has been acknowledging emotions. Example: Issy wants to stay outside and play with friends but it is almost time to put on jammies. I tell her this and she gets upset. Instead of just saying something dismissive (you can play tomorrow instead) or blowing her off (well, i'm the parent and i say it is time for pajamas) which tends to escalate, i acknowledge how she is feeling (you are feeling frustrated because it is time to come inside and you were having fun outside with your friends) and we go from there.

There are several directions you can take from there, but, this has truly been the most helpful with both kids. I was surprised, actually, how quickly and simply it worked. It felt really cheesy at first (from an adult perspective, it seemed like, duh, of course she feels frustrated) but it can be really beneficial to give children a way to identify and name their emotions. And, in doing this, you validate that it is a reasonable way to be feeling. From there we find a mutally workable solution. It gives alternatives to the threatening, the manipulating, the nagging and the yelling that seemed to be slowly dominating my parenting. I have found that as i become more flexible about the small things, they become more easily compliant. It has been a serious leap of faith. And our house has become more peaceful because of it.

The whole premise makes sense if you think about it. As an adult, i would hate it if i was feeling upset or frustrated about something and the person i was venting to blew me off or ignored how i was feeling. I know if i am upset and someone listens to me attentively, i feel better able to put my negative feelings to rest. Why should it be any different from a child's perspective?

An ending note. I am by far and away not a perfect parent. Most days it is a struggle to strive for adequacy in my parenting. When we dreamed of having babies, i didn't ever really think about much past that. I didn't ever imagine the problem solving and compromise that parenting a preschooler/child/teenager would involve. I don't put much stock in any one way of parenting, i am just trying to figure out what works best for us. And this finally feels like a good fit for our family and seems flexible to fit each individuals needs. I look at the huge variety of parenting techniques to be like a smorgasbord. Take what you want and leave the rest.